Writing . Essays
Nerve
From "Where's The Sin? An Anti-Sermon"
Yesterday afternoon I received an e-mail containing the names and addresses of hundreds of horny MILFs right in my neighborhood, which I deleted without reading. I didn't even bother opening the one about a gorgeous teen taking it deep in her ass, and when, curious, I opened an email titled "Looking to Refinance?" a new window popped up on my desktop featuring an animated picture of an attractive blonde girl with an enormous black dildo thrusting in and out of her mouth. I rolled my eyes, clicked the mouse impatiently to close the window and sighed to myself, "Oh, come on already." What's happening to me?
I wake up in the morning to the sounds of a lesbian in Howard Stern's studio; blindfolded, she is trying to guess which of three contestants is her girlfriend by licking their pussies. I yawn, switch from FM to AM, and try to find the weather report. I trudge through Manhattan, oblivious to the towering billboards of near-naked models, oblivious, too, to the near-naked women around me. Two girls hurry by; their asses read Juicy. "How come," I wonder, "you can never get a goddamn cab in this city?"
I arrive home in the evening, turn on the television, and I'm met with the latest music video from the latest teenage ingŽnue, bent over, her barely covered ass shaking at the camera. I reach for the remote and change the channel. "There's never anything on," I sigh. What the hell is happening to me?
Genesis 2:25 - The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.
Genesis 3:6-7 - When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it; she also gave some to her husband, who ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized they were naked.
The great eleventh century French Torah commentator Rashi asks, "What does it mean that they realized they were naked? Even a blind man knows that he is naked." Rashi goes on to explain that having eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, Adam and Eve suddenly knew of good and of evil, of morality and of immorality, of sin and of virtue, and they were ashamed.
Genesis 3:11 - God busts them.
Genesis 3:14 - God curses them.
Genesis 3:24 - God chases them from Eden and bars the Gates of Paradise so that they may never return. And what's the first thing they do? What is the very first thing that they do?
Genesis 4:1 - And Adam knew Eve.
They fucked. The very next chapter. The very first verse. And Adam knew Eve. The very. First. Verse. Pre-sin, not a single mention of fucking (aside from the somewhat clinical reference in Chapter Two to a man and woman "becoming one flesh.") Rashi doesn't mention this, but it's right there in the text: sin comes along, Adam and Eve get chased out of Paradise by a bellicose Deity, they are cursed for generations with toil and agonizing labor, the gate to their former home blocked for eternity by two belligerent Cherubim and something called The Blade of the Turning Sword, and what do they do? They fuck. And Adam knew Eve. No setting up their home, no sin offerings to their Lord, no journeying to Ur, or to Goshen, or to The Land Which I Will Show You. The moment they knew sin, they fucked.ÊI know how they felt. I spent most of the first eighteen years of my life in all-male yeshivas (same thing as madrasas, only with a different book), being instructed in the wily ways of the Evil Inclination, the dangerous lure of women and of the horrible punishments for wasting seed.
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From "Work: A Dirty Story"
Mike fucked Larry again. Mike has fucked Larry three times since June. Mike fucks everybody. Mike has fucked John, Craig and Allison in the past month alone. Larry never fucks anyone. Allison's also been getting fucked by our boss Phil, who also fucks everybody, but now Allison's tired of it. "I've been taking it up the ass all week," she complained to me. Allison has balls. She has balls of steel. She has balls of stone. That bitch has balls bigger than mine, says Mike.
Roxanne asked for my help with a client who's a real motherfucker. "I'm going to get spanked on this," she says. "Badly." I'd offer to help, but I've been getting fisted by the finance department all day. I'm not alone. They've been reaming everyone. They had Stephanie on all fours. They really paddled Eric. "We're sorry," the Finance Department said, "but the clients are raping us this year."
There is a knock on my door. "Circle-jerk in the conference room," says Larry.
The company that owns the company that owns our company is being investigated by the SEC. The SEC is fisting us. The SEC has got their cock up our ass. The SEC is so far up our ass they could fuck our mouths. The trade press has been spanking us over this for weeks. Still, we mustn't allow this to distract us from servicing our clients, who need their cocks stroked every five minutes or they'll start getting on our tits.
Nina says the account executives are all whores. The account executives say Nina is a douche bag. Matt says John is a suck-ass who has his nose up the CEO's asshole. "They can blow me," says Steve, concerning a client of his who has been threatening to leave. "Let them go fuck someone else for a few months, give my asshole a rest." Fred is tired of getting fisted every time he turns around, and Craig is sure the company's just jerking him off and that as soon as he blows his wad, they'll fuck him.
All this before noon: oral, anal, gang-bangs, incest, handballing, transgenderism, spanking, feminine cleansing washes, incest, analingus, prostitution, handjobs, ejaculation, nonconsensual homosexual intercourse and naso-rectal penetration.
Just your average day in the business world.
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